I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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