I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Randomize
