She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
