I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Can I color on your dick again?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
