Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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