he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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