Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
