She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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