Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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