I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
