Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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