i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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