Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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