Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
two words: eviction party
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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