I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
