im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Randomize