if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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