It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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