Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
