i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
