Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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