I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
