if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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