Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
