just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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