she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
