In the future we'll all be gay
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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