Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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