Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize