I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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