Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
