i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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