New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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