this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
