apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
