3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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