I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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