Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
