So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
