I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
please come you make the beer taste better
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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