it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
