tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
