I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
