I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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