I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
