What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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