My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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