my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
