Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
