my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
