The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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