can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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