I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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