Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
