Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
