You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
