We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
