he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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