Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
